Sorry to be gone for so long, peeps. I was busy, you know, having a baby. I am clearly not one of those bloggers who can post while in labor and take pictures of my placenta and put it on Face Book within an hour of delivery. Sorry.
P.S. The placenta is totally bitchin' though, so if you do have a Face Book account, troll around for someone's placenta pics. Placentas=Cool.
Here's the down low on my experience.
1. Water breaks. On the couch. Which reminds me...
ONE COUCH FOR SALE...CHEAP.
2. I think that heading to the Farmer's Market for a few last minute items=a good idea.
3. Water REALLY breaks at Farmer's Market. Which reminds me...
ONE PAIR OF NAVY BLUE TRACK PANTS FOR SALE...REALLY CHEAP.
4. Then nothing much for four or five hours and then some huge* contractions for the next four or five hours.
A note on contractions: Holy $#(@! What the &*@#?? Seriously? &*(#^$(@#Q@#@(%!!@&$)(#%. Ok. I'm ok.
5. Enter midwife.
M: Your cervix is at a "1".
K: Ha ha. You mean like it's Number One?
M: No. Like 1 cm. As in, you still have 9 more to go.
K: (See note on contractions.)
6. Three hours later, I'm ready to go. That's right. One to Ten in three hours. I'm like, in the 99th percentile for cervix opening.
7. Push. Push. Push. (See note on contractions.)
8. Done, awesome. Lovely, perfect, most handsome boy Finn Vincent slides out at 6:55 AM, April 14th.
Stats: 7 lbs. 7 oz. 19.5 inches long. It's the most awesomest thing I have ever done. And I've been to a lot of neat places, and done many awesome things. Still, it's the Most Awesome. He is, evidently NOT in the 90-something percentile for size, but he is in the 100th percentile of being mine.
Ok, so here's where it gets a little dicey.
9. An hour later a Freak Occurrence: I develop a hematoma (I was in the 99th percentile of hematoma size, which is two grapefruits!) because I tore an artery in the inter-pelvic space between the birth canal and my hip. Weird, right? After receiving excellent care from my home birthing team who is puzzled by my blood loss (hematoma burst) yet Perfect Blood Pressure (seriously, I had lost more than a liter of blood at still had 120/70 blood pressure...let's hear it for health!) I was transported to the hospital. Had two surgeries, one blood transfusion, and I'm feeling SO much better now!
A lil' note on me: I decided when I woke up in recovery, that I would NOT view my situation as anything less than as it needed to be. While in a hazy fog I decided that I would be thankful in that moment for being flat on my back -- a sensation I had come to miss while prego. Also, my husband and baby were waiting for me in my room, where the hospital let them move in and stay with me. My also super-friend-lactation expert met me 5 minutes after recovery, where she had the babe latched on in less than a few minutes. He's in the 99th percentile of eating. Come to think of it, so am I.
Another side note: I think breastfeeding is awesome. I'm playing will all the positions and all the methods used by Hunter-Gathering populations (where they nurse for 3-5 minutes every 15-20 minutes) as well as the developed nations' methods of feeding for longer, less often. It's fun.
They said it would be 5-7 days before I could go home.
I was healing well in 2 days, had refused all morphine and pain meds, so they let me go home on day three. (Let's hear it for health!)
I couldn't walk when I came home. Wow. That was a big one for me.
They said it would be 12 weeks before I would be out walking.
I took my first walk (14 minutes) on Day 3 of being home.
I can now walk 40 minutes (slower than normal) and do so every day.
Finn has been cuddled or carried every moment of his life so far. We are practicing with different techniques and apparatuses. (Why is the plural of apparatus apparatuses and not apparati? Language seriously bugs me sometimes.) I am enjoying wearing him and no, we don't have a stroller, which freaks people out. Which is fair, cuz there are a lot of things people do that freak me out, so we're even.
Here he is:
Moral of the story: I, despite making excellent beans and cornbread and knowing how to ride a horse, would have been the robust pioneer woman who didn't make it through child birth. But, thanks to my fast acting team and some great surgeons, I'm typing a blog a week and a half later.
Another moral of the story: Striving for excellent physical health can not only help you have an excellent delivery, but can also significantly impact your recovery should you have an outcome you weren't (or were) expecting.
Looking forward to getting back to it...with modifications. Wow, it's a lot of work! Kudos to every mom and dad out there. You are in the 99th percentile of parenting. (What the HECK is all the percentile business about, anyway. If I ever use the word "percentile" seriously, you can pour a glass of water over my head. Geesh.)
*Huge contractions have been modified to "tiny" contractions after finishing the course.
And finally, the results from the Holiday Giveaway!! (Only 4 months late. Don’t hate me, OK?) Winners, send me your mailing info to email@example.com.
Any DVD: Jennifer! I’d recommend From the Shoulders Up to help with your breast cancer recovery. Also, I’d like to present Lenetta K. with Down There for Women for never ONCE making me feel bad for being so behind, but still being the “squeaky wheel” that gets the blog done. A very nice talent!
Make-A-Squat-Toilet Instructions: Yolande, you clever girl! Never ask for a high-fashioned item like SHOES when you could win a TOILET!!!
Full Set of DVDs: Chris - I’d love to send a full set to Dr. Miela Gruber and Dr Sharon Vallone at KIDSPACE in S. Windsor, CT. Can you send me their address?
Earth Rain Boots! Annette -- You are now the PROUD owner of the aforementioned leopard Earth Rain boots...perfect for SUMMER!
My-Happy Feet Alignment Socks: Regina Wade...Come On Doooooowwwwwn...and, make sure you let me know what shoe size you are.
P.S. I had my staff pick the winners, because I ready to give prizes to everyone because I can’t stand to have people not win stuff, which is why I’d make a terrible judge.
P.P.S. Anyone else need a nap?