I’m so excited, I’ve finally invented my first drug. It’s for osteoporosis, so I know it will sell like hot cakes. In case you are wondering, “aren’t there already a lot of drugs for osteoporosis on the market?” the answer is yes. But this one’s different.
But, before I can explain more, here’s some info on bones and stuff:
The process of generating bone is called osteogenesis.
The process of breaking bone down is called osteolysis.
In healthy bone, the rate of these processes are balanced, with new bone being laid down as old bone is escorted away.
Osteoblasts are cells that work to generate bone. These cells are regulated by mechanoreceptors, or cells that must be physically loaded (vita compressive or tensile forces) in order to send the BUILD MORE BONE signal.
Osteoclasts are bone cells that work to break old bone down. Osteoclasts are regulated by certain hormones, like those that are secreted by the thyroid and parathyroid. These hormones trigger the BREAK BONE DOWN signal.
Osteoporosis is the term for low bone mineral density that results from an imbalance between the rate of bone building and the rate of bone breaking down -- specifically, bone is being removed, but not replaced with new, fresh bone.
Bisphosphonates are “a class of drugs that prevent bone loss.” Bisphosphonates is a fun word to say.
It’s not that fun to type when you’re a lousy speller and spell check does not recognize it, so you have to correct it all on your own.
Bisphosphonates target osteoclasts (the bone break-er down-ers) and create a series of events that eventually cause those cell to die, thus slowing the natural process of bone resorption.
I guess you could say that bisphosphonates “are a class of drugs that prevent bone loss,” but you could also more accurately say that bisphosphonates “are a class of drugs that stop the natural removal of old bone and don’t actually do anything to generate new bone so while the affect of taking them looks on paper like it has a good impact on bone, it doesn’t fix the problem at all, and could be making a new problem.”
Which is why I needed to create the new drug myself. You see, bone generation is stimulated when you load the bone. So, the geometry of your body, the amount you walk plus the alignment you walk in, all affect the amount of *squish* you get in those mechanoreceptors, which is how the bone is signaled to develop. The more weight bearing you are (which, does not mean using weights, but how much of your body is in the vertical position, feeling the full effects of gravity), the more the bone you will generate.
So far, people have not been able to package into a pharmaceutical this: TAKE OFF THOSE POSITIVE HEELED AND SQUISHY SHOES, STRETCH THE MUSCLES DOWN THE BACK OF YOUR LEG SO YOUR KNEES AND HIPS CAN EXTEND FULLY, AND THEN WALK (NOT RUN) EVERY DAY, A LOT.
From the label:
Must take Boneregizer while walking. Wearing positive heeled shoes while taking Boneregizer could cause harmful side effects like osteoarthritis of the hips and knees. Consult your doctor if you develop nerve damage in your feet because you won’t go down to the Good Will to get yourself a pair of flat shoes for $4.00. Cramping in the lower legs at night is an indication that the muscles have become too tight for Boneregizer to work. Get out of bed and stretch immediately and repeat stretch a few times a day until cramps no longer wake you up at night. Regular stretching of the hamstrings is also recommended. Excessive sitting should be avoided while taking Boneregizer. Using a pillow to sit on the floor can enhance the effects of Boneregizer. Must stand against a wall when first taking Boneregizer. See what being vertical feels like. Then, relax into your usual non-vertical posture. While taking Boneregizer, it is essential to keep yourself vertical while walking around. Riding a bike, swimming, and using electrical powered exercise machines are not recommended while taking Boneregizer as they will reverse the affects of the medication.
Boneregizer! $75 dollars a bottle.
Sorry, I will not be able to blog anymore once I am a billionaire. I will be too busy on my Greek island.
I will miss you.